Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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