in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??