sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.