I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
