Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
