dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
