that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
