Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
