Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
