Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
