She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
