i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
