Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
