Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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