I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
