It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
