Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
