Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
