im drinking this country out of the recession.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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