look no pants
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
