Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.