I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I believe in your delicious
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no