it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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