I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
