R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
