Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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