If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
