i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
