White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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