I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
