i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
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After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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