Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
