Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
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You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut