I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.