Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
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Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃