Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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