im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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