I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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