I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
