That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
