this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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