I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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