I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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