so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize