Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
