Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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