True but thats because hes a fetus.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
