My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
