Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
