he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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