1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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