I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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