grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
