I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
