Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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