i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
