i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
