i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
