I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
